2am ,7Oct
i cant sleep...becoz im not that kind who can slp with problems on my mind no matter how tired i am... and i am really really tired today... went to bed at 9.30pm... woke up at 10.30 becoz he did not sms me he was home anot yet... going on with that disagreement we had.. but i cant pester him anymre... becoz agreed not to sms him after he slp... since he don lik it... i rather i'll stay awake alone than force him to talk it out with me....if i have to endure it.. i'll do it alone... forcing him only makes me feel lik the "badguy" who deny him his sleep....
dunno... i juz think that he is juz trying to make himself feel that its ok so that he can go and slp in peace... if that works for him... then by all means then....
i was angry first... then he got angry that i was angry... how quaint, and laughable too... there i tot i was the one being angry... but end up ytd afternoon he lectured me during my break time that i was in fault too and made it seem lik i was the one being at fault... becoz he was the good tempered one who didnt get angry everytime while i was the troublemaker who always kick up a fuss abt things....
after the lecturing and mockingly laughed that these quarrel we had are being really stupid.... he suddenly change to the nice guy who keep saying sorry and asking me not to angry... arent he being contracditing??? he is making me all confused up and i felt so trapped... one min he was lecturing me instead of soul-searching himself, and also mocking at how stupid we are... then next min he turn to be the nice guy who seem to cant get me to forgive him.... as though now i am the one being unreasonable since he say sorry le....
Ur so call " hong " me actually did work if you didnt get angry that i blocked you on msn... anyway i didnt mean it.. i was juz testing....sry that it did offend u.... but too bad... you start lecturing me abt my wrong instead of going back to the old problem... then everything was a gonna....
in a way... u won... lectured me... making feel as if i am the one in wrong to be angry... then you start saying sorry making me feel that if i don forgive you, i am unreasonable since you say sorry le... but now... it is me who has say.. too bad... becoz you made me feel lik a trapped animal and i cant accept your sorry since you already made it clear that i was the"bad guy" who got angry and make things difficult for you.... don be nice guy and bad guy at the same time huh... becoz i cant adjust that quickly... who r u trying to be?
to you... its is you being suddenly not having the heart to be angry anymore at me after being angry ... to me... u already made me feel lik im the "bad guy" who kick up a fuss abt things then you start saying sorry.... so all ur sorries are redundant le...
last time it was so hard to ask you say a "sorry"... now it seems to flow so readily from your mouth that its doesnt meant anything anymore.. becoz u say it but at the same time you lik to deny it... can you make up ur mind who you wan to be? " gd guy " or " bad guy "? im all confused... and its killing me....
and that needle poking thing was totally not acceptable... and i am really angry... don use those kind of action to trap me... if you cant stay awake and wan to slp.. then go... i hate to feel trapped...can i tell you i wan to cut myself if you make me angry again.... ? wld you lik it?... if you don...then don use these actions to trap me...
don trap me with words and actions... i'll only run furthur away from you....
i also dunno y i bother to care whether you get angry that i block you or hang up ur phone anot... in the first place i am angry thats y i did that.... but in the end u r the one getting angry then i have to relent... now this made me a laughing-stock..... and by caring whether you get angry if i do those things anot, you had the upper hand and always thinks that im not angry enough and you didnt take things too seriously...
when im angry.. i don joke... if you joke... i wld feel irritated.... but i cant hang that phone or block you... so that wld make me even more fustrated... and im trapped again... hiax...
and that " JUZ BECOZ of these small matters, you get angry, don you think its stupid?" is a sentence whcih made me think that what i tot was important is totally redundant in ur eyes... and m juz being childish to kick up a fuss over those "small matters".... anyway, if you don know..... it is those small matters which idicates a person's character to others....
i really duno if things wld work out btw us anot... its not getting anywhere much... maybe we juz arent meant to be....i dunno... i noe you tried hard... i tried too...